What I'm doing right now...

.... Is listening to a very sad and tired Eliza cry it out while rolling on the ground in her room. Poor girl.

See, it all started with a little newborn sucking on just one little pacifier.

Three years, 2 months, and ~5 days later, we took away all the pacifiers. She did pretty well the first two days at my house, besides a rough night of waking up every few hours and crying. But she was happily announcing to people, "No more ba-ba's!" (Babas were what she called her pacifiers).

Now she's just sad ... and GRUMPY! and does NOT want to take a nap. And has a hand or finger in her mouth constantly when she starts getting tired.

Baba Withdrawals is what we're experiencing here, folks!

So all those reassuring stories we heard along the way- puh! Oh how deceiving!

"I just told my daughter that the paci fairy came and took away all the pacifiers. She asked for it once and then never again!"

"I helped my child collect all the paci's and then we threw them away. They were fine after that!" or "There was a little crying here and there, but not anything big."

"We just cut a little bit off the pacifier every night until there was hardly anything left. Then he just stopped asking for it after a while!"

Well, good for you! Spread your fiction and picture perfect stories to other "suckers," why don't you! I, however, prefer honesty!

We'll add this experience as another chapter of the book, "Things they never tell you about parenting because otherwise you'd never have Kids!"

Anyways, I'm trying to dole out lots of validation and reassurance! Praying for patience and for the withdrawal stage to break! It'll come, right? I mean, people eventually overcome opium addictions, so SURELY this too shall pass as well right?

Oh, and yes, I packed up Eliza's baba's into a box, and she wants to ship them to her new baby girl cousin! ... AND she hasn't asked for it at all since the first day. She knows that pacifiers are for babies and not big girls and that it's hurting her teeth.

And yet, she's still rolling on the floor crying. I'd post a picture, but I think that someone would report me for cruelty to 3 yr olds.

Sorry, Eliza, no one but me can hear your screams from the basement...

p.s. Steve's on board with this whole plan too... in case you're concerned.

p.p.s. Please don't leave any comments about how cruel I am-- I already feel it enough on my own. I'd be happy to let Eliza have a pacifier until she's 41 yrs. old if it wouldn't mess up her mouth and reek havoc on any chance of her ever having a social life!

The District

Eliza and I spent last week in DC and Maryland with the handsome man above, Reuben, and Katy, Aaron, and Robby!

We had SUCH a blast! The best was the time we got to spend with family at...

1. The Park!

Eliza, Reuben, and I spent HOURS at the two parks that are both just blocks from Kate's house. Since Katy got put on a form of bed rest, the three of us tried to give her a break a couple times a day. I know it was really hard for Katy to stay at home while the action was elsewhere.

Reuben LOVES his walks. He periodically would point out the door to us, saying outside and knock on the door until we let him out. He would climb right into the stroller and say, "Go!"

Reuben knows how to say Eliza and my name now which is AWESOME and adorable!! The first day I was there, I heard Reuben saying my name over and over, and then he walked into the room I was in with one of my sandals. I found out quickly that it is very important to Reuben that everyone wear their shoes! You have to be ready for those walks at all times!

2. The Backyard!

Katy and Aaron's house is such a neat place! It's got lots of room, some great color, and a fantastic backyard with a deck too! The BALLER!

Katy said that this picture makes it look like Eliza lost a horrendous game of dodgeball. Haha! Instead, it's Eliza playing Sleeping Beauty.

3. Bookstore!

We got to go to the church bookstore, and here are some CD's that I wish I could have gotten...umm... but not really.

3. Georgetown!

On one of the evenings, Eliza and I took the train into the city to visit Robby! Eliza was SO excited to ride the train- excited enough that she actually SMILED for the pictures!!

Robby and his friend, Myra, walked with us into Georgetown and got some dinner and YUMMY cupcakes!

It was a really long line to the cupcake place, but soo worth it!

(Myra gave Eliza a ring pop which won Eliza's heart and tummy!)

4. The Zoo!

We did a congested version of the DC zoo. We tried to choose parts of the zoo that had places to sit down and not do a ton of walking... not our best idea for the whole bed rest thing, but Reuben managed to fit some rest in.Katy was "behaving" herself by sitting down at the aquarium for a while.

Eliza spotted this stuffed Cheetah and froze, asking me if it was real. I reassured her that it was not alive... I was not exactly sure how to explain that it was dead but stuffed? So I told her that it couldn't hurt her. She pointed it out for the camera.

There was the Amazon Rain Forest floor where there are these monkeys just out and about. Eliza was kinda freaked out by them. I asked her to take a picture with it in the back, but she did NOT want to turn her back on that thing!! haha. But she wanted a picture of it to show Oma.

5. Food!

I didn't get any pictures of myself stuffing my face, but boy did I ever! I got spoiled with Peruvian chicken, treats and shakes from the Brazilian market, Dim Sun yummy-ness with Kate, the cupcakes, a bday cake with amazing homemade frosting by Katy, Greek sandwiches, some of the best Indian food I've had, and homemade crepes almost every morning! It's a good thing I was burning some of those calories off by pushing Eliza and Reuben around in the double stroller!!

6. Family!

Eliza was THRILLED to see Uncle Robby! She was so sad when we dropped him off at the Metro on Friday morning. She kept telling me that she was sad that we said bye to Uncle Robby and kept asking me why he had to go to work.

I also LOVED getting to see Rob! I went to institute with him on Wednesday night too. He's the BEST brother EVER! He really made my birthday week the best one I can remember! He is such a generous, giving, and FUN person! I'm not always very good at being "fun," but Robby helps me out! It was also WONDERFUL to get to spend time with Kate this week! I know she was really bummed by the bed rest order. She still tried hard to make our DC week fun, but I LOVED just getting to hang out and talk with her. I've missed her SO much since she moved up to Maryland in April! She is such a hard worker and an incredible mom! I don't know how she does all that she does. Despite her and Aaron's busy-ness, they were amazingly kind to let Eliza and us invade their house and make our time special!! Thanks for having us!

Dog Children: Best Park Game EVER!

Eliza & Reuben Playing at the Park!

Cousins & Family @ the Beach!

Here are just a couple of my favorite pictures from the beach vacation we took a couple weeks ago. They are some scenes that I hope to repeat this week as Eliza and I join the DC crowd for the next week!!!! Yay for cousin time!

Perhaps my favorite family picture ever:

This is the end. This is the calm.

I hopped on my bike yesterday and went for a really nice ride. The thermometer said it was 83 degrees outside, but the sun was hiding behind the clouds. There was a really nice breeze.

My ride was revitalizing and empowering. There's something wonderful about making my body push itself to it's limits-- feeling my heart pounding in my chest, my lungs reaching for air, and my muscles burning. I felt strong.

I like to have destinations for my bike rides, though, and this bike ride will probably have the most significant destination of all the others! I biked over to Main Street in Lexington, across from the county courthouse- my lawyer's office.

They had the papers waiting for me at the bottom floor office. I initialed 8 pages and signed the last. My heart was still beating hard from my pedaling, and I could hear my blood beating through my ears as I flipped from one page to the next. My initials, AMM, above the initials that were already there, SAM.

And it was done.

I picked up my bike helmet and left. I biked some more around Lexington without much thought put into where I was headed. I vaguely thought about how many of those roads were the same ones I biked on 10 years ago... 10 years ago when everything was so much less complicated. I'd never been on a date before, never had a boyfriend, never shared a kiss... Things were so much less complicated then, although, there is great irony in that statement because I would NEVER want to repeat being 14 years old.

Things were simpler but far more confusing than now.

I may now feel weighted down by more baggage at the age of 24- the pain of heart breaks, the stress of poverty, the loneliness of leaving home and trying to find independence, depression-- BUT the difference is... I am much less CONFUSED and LOST.

Somehow, through this divorce, I have found myself again. I don't think that's what usually happens to people when they get divorce. But for the first time in YEARS, I don't feel lost.

I have peace. I have a home. I have the atonement working in my life. I have hope and faith.

I'm working on having patience!

and I have Eliza...

... and I still have a friend in Steve. It's not the relationship we had hoped to have with each other, but we've made a decision. No longer husband and wife- now we'll have new titles. Exes, Co-parents, divorcees. To those titles we've signed our names.

But the title of friend is what I value most.

And I think I'll take another bike ride.