October's held some significant events that I didn't really feel like making a big deal about. My divorce was finalized, the anniversary of Amber's death came and went.

Some fun times included the state fair, and also cross country season which has come to a close.

And here is our very own senior, veteran cross country runner worth recognizing!

So I got her some roses for senior recognition!
She's been a hard-core runner for six years now! Annnd she still went running today on her own, without any coach to tell her to do it! Impressive!

Way to go, Abby!

South Carolina State Fair 2010

A couple of my friends and I got these cuties together to enjoy the kiddy version of the fair. Ya know, the rides with a 54'' maximum and the animal petting zoo fun! This picture was taken inside of the Dizzy Dragon... or in Lucas' case, the hippo!

The $5 Pony ride is also quite the hit! Eliza's been talking about it several times everyday.

I was surprised how THRILLED Eliza was with this ride, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised that she enjoys being in the driver's seat!!! She's my girl-!

After riding this fun caterpillar rollercoaster twice last year, I was super excited that I was able to convince Eliza and Sophia to ride it together and without adults!!!

Sophia reported that the ride was AWESOME!

Eliza told me very clearly that this ride was too scarey.

And then my child fell asleep!!! In the middle of the noisy, crowded FAIR!!! We were waiting in line for the ferris wheel. I guess it was all a bit too much for her?

When she finally woke up after about an HOUR, she cheered up pretty easily by chowing down on an Elephant Ear with powdered sugar on it! She devoured that thing with the help of Sophia, and I was lucky to nab a couple bites before the whole thing was gone! YUM!

And just for you, Katy, we tried to meet as many new friends at The Rocket as possible! :^)

Thanks for the good weekend

My weekends where I don't have Eliza can be very lame. I try to fill them up as much as possible and keep myself busy. Other times in the past, I've spent them in a dark room watching reruns on Hulu and maybe going outside once? oh yeah, to go to church and then come right back inside.

But when Eliza is away, I don't stop being her mom. A part of my heart feels far away. I've found comfort in filling my prayers with specific desires I have for my girl and trying to explain my feelings to my Heavenly Father about this challenge.

I've been doing a little better with these weekends lately! I think I've found a good balance between barricading myself in the dark basement and frantically trying to fill every minute with busy tasks and frantic projects.

For example, I take naps on Sunday's and do some leisurely reading instead of attending two church services.

Also, I have been spending more time with family. I am so so so blessed to have my family with me, so patient and loving towards me.

I think I've mentioned before that my Oma (grandma, my mom's Mom), Rosalie, lives here now. She and I got some very fun bonding time this weekend.

Thursday we did a yummy home-cooked chicken dinner by Oma and movie night! I picked up the dvd of the newish movie, Valentine's Day, that I got from the library. It was cute in a cliche way.

A couple things that this movie stated about love were interesting to me.

One part had George Lopez's character carrying around a book of Rumi poetry. I hate when movies try to make their content deeper by having someone spout out stuff from some "life-changing" book. It feels like the screen play writer should just get an account on GoodReads or join a book club instead of trying to add references to it in a stupid way in their films.

So George Lopez's character says how Rumi's got it right about love (and the camera zooms to the book cover)-- and says something about how for love to be real, it has be messy and devastating and turn your world upside down.

I disagree. I think unhealthy relationships have that intense emotional upheaval to them, but healthy relationships can entail a gradual process of getting to know someone before you unleash all your emotional baggage and boundaries. I believe that love DOES involve some risk-taking and being willing to take a chance on someone by letting them truly and sincerely know you, even in a vulnerable way. However, it doesn't have to involve emotional vomiting.

The other thought about love that the film suggested was something that I liked and that I've heard at Al-Anon meetings that I've attended for work. It's the premise that truly loving someone involves loving the WHOLE person-- not just the parts that you like about them.

Friday night, I had gotten coupons for free Chik-fil-a from a co-worker, so I picked up dinner for Oma and myself! Waffle Fries- yummmmm! Later we went OUT to the movies and saw the movie "You Again." It was a funny comedy about facing the people who terrorized you in high school! Nice feel good ending too, so that's nice to have!

Saturday in Charleston. I drove out there with a friend and cheered for Abby at the Citadel Cross Country race. Then when did some time in downtown Charleston and got the most-wonderful and pleasurable Heiman's Seafood and River Street Sweets! The Shrimp and Grits were HEAVENLY!!!Charleston's such a beautiful area! I love the winding branches on trees that hang over the roads and the spanish moss that hangs down from those branches! The marshes are beautiful, especially below the sunny blue skies like we had yesterday!This picture reminds me of a Regina Spektor song:

"Come and open up your folding chair next to me...
Now i’ve been sitting on this abandoned beach for years
Waiting for the salty water to cover up my ears
But every time the tide come in to take me home
I get scared, and I’m sitting here alone
Dreaming of the dolphin song…

Maybe one day you will understand
I don’t want nothing from you but to sweetly hold your hand
Till that day just please don’t be so down
Don’t make frowns, you silly clown"

I made it back to Columbia in time to rendezvous with Mom and Oma for the Relief Society Broadcast at church. It was wonderful. Very spiritually nourishing.

Some of my favorite quotes from it:

"There is a worldwide hunger among good women to know their identity, value, and importance. Studying and applying the history of Relief Society gives definition and expression to who we are as disciples and followers of our Savior, Jesus Christ. Our faithfulness and service are signs of our conversion and commitment to remember and follow Him." -Sister Julie B. Beck

"He (Christ) knows your hopes and sufferings. He hath bourne our griefs and carried our sorrows (Isaiah)... We demonstrate our love in Him by placing our faith in Him.... OUR BEST EFFORT IS ALL HE ASKS FROM US." -Sister Silvia H. Allred

"The Savior has asked us to do the things which He has done, to bear one another’s burdens, to comfort those who need comfort, to mourn with those who mourn, to feed the hungry, visit the sick, to succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down..."

I also really liked how she defined and described compassion as "to feel love and mercy towards others. Show kindness and sympathy." - Sister Barbara Thompson

"Mother Teresa, a Catholic nun who worked among the poor in India most of her life, spoke this profound truth: “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” The Savior has admonished, “This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.” I ask: Can we love one another, as the Savior has commanded, if we judge each other? And I answer—with Mother Teresa—“No; we cannot.” -President Thomas S. Monson

Choppy quotes by Pres. Monson from my notes:

"True charity is love in action."

"To pity a man is human, to love is divine... that is... Accepting people for all that they are... Resisting to categorize others.... Recognizing that others are doing their best."

I miss Eliza, but thanks for the good weekend.

"I'm just really gonna focus on my career..."

It's been a whirlwind of a month for me and Eliza! Especially on the job front. I accepted a part time job working in a teen addiction recovery outpatient unit.

I trained and started on August 20th. I worked from 8:30am until 2pm at The Nurturing Center, then drove a half hour to the addiction recovery center and worked until 7 or 8pm. It was pretty crazy but kept things interesting! Actually, I don't know if I handled the stress very well, but I'm recovering now.

The hardest part, though, was that I only was getting to see Eliza for an hour or so in the evenings on Monday and Tuesday and had to rely on Steve and my mom to take care of Eliza while I worked in the evenings.

Eliza's also had a ton of trouble going to bed at my house, so most of the time I spent with her in the evenings involved (and still involve) me trying to beg/bargain/threaten/persuade her to stay in her bed and go to sleep! That was pretty painful.

Then, a week later, the executive director at The Nurturing Center told me that one of the case managers was taking a job elsewhere and asked if I was interested in doing the full-time job.

At first I said no because I felt like I needed to follow through with the new job I had just accepted and worked at for one week. However, I prayed/fasted/fretted and decided that although I would make less money over-all, having a schedule that involved a 8-4 sort of schedule would be the best for Eliza and myself, and I needed to do what was best for me and my family.

So as of tomorrow, I'll transition from doing invidividual and art group therapy with parents and play therapy with pre-schoolers to being a "Family Service Coordinator" for the parents at The Nurturing Center. I know I'll miss some aspects of doing therapy, especially working with the kids. But I'll get to do lots of parenting groups, one or two every day. I'll be coordinating lots of resources and referrals in the community, setting goals with the parents, and working with Department of Social Services with the parents who have open neglect and/or abuse cases. It should be a pretty hefty caseload and a lot of responsibility, so I hope I can keep up!!! Say a prayer for me.

I'm looking forward to having a "normal" schedule, though! I just realized that I have NEVER had a schedule where I worked full-time 8-4. I was always doing school or working a part-time, strange hours sort of thing. Should be interesting! or normal...? We'll see.

(Eliza in her zebra dress that Oma got for her. Zebra's are still her favorite animal, and she would wear this dress EVERY day if I let her!)

Eliza started back at pre-school on August 16th at a wonderful little Montessori school in Columbia (The same one she went to in May). She goes from about 8:30 until 2:30 Mon- Thurs and until noon on Friday's.

I think she's doing pretty well, but it's hard to know because when we ask her how school went or what she did at school that day, she almost always answers, "I don't want to talk about it." or "Nothing." I thought that response wouldn't come until the adolescent, "I'm too cool for my parents," phase. Oh well.

In other news, my divorce is STILL not finalized! Not because there's been any drama-- on the contrary, nothing at all has happened. Nothing. We're just sitting around waiting for our request for a court date to make it to the top of the stack in the county court house. We keep saying, maybe this week! and here we are two months later... still waiting!

So for now, "I'm just really gonna focus on my career!" (reference, How I Met Your Mother)

With this ring...

So I found this ring one day like last year sometime in our house. I thought that it belonged to Abby, so I put it in her room. A few weeks later, it had found its way back into my jewelry box. I took it to Abby and asked her if it was hers because I knew it wasn't mine, and she told me that it was definitely not hers, nor was it my mom's.

I told that wonderful story to point out just how randomly and unintentionally I became the owner of this ring. It's lovely, though, and pearls are my birthstones!

I've never worn a lot of jewelry and when I do it's usually just a bracelet or earrings. I've only recently felt daring enough to start wearing necklaces.

The one ring I used to wear has been absent for almost a year now. But this simple little ring caught my eye the other day for some reason, and I decided to wear it on my right hand. I was feeling sort of down and just... very single? I don't like to preoccupy my brain with the blatant awareness of my singledom because, ya know, there's a lot cooler and more interesting (and necessary!) matters to occupy my mind!

Also, my friend shared this talk by Pres. Hinckley with me that had this gem in it:

"To you single women who wish to be married ... Do not give up hope. And do not give up trying. But do give up being obsessed with it. The chances are that if you forget about it and become anxiously engaged in other activities, the prospects will brighten immeasurably. …"

So this is not me saying that I want to be married or even dating or whatever right now! However! I would LOVE to be free from being obsessed with my marital (or lack thereof) status. I think a divorced status can be the elephant in a room full of young single adults, which is really not a big deal. However, I don't want to define myself by my singledom, even if others do!

So back to the ring. I was feeling down, and a definitive goal that I have for myself is that I celebrate my worth as an individual. I have for much of my life, attempted to live in a way that pleases those around me to the extent that I have put my identity in the back seat. No more!

Bottom Line:
When I put on my ring or glance at it during the day, I remember:

I don't have to have someone telling me that they love me
to know that I am lovable.